maturing too fast

maturing too fast

it’s up for existential debate. whether or nots

we’re here for a reason, or stranded here just to rot

leisurely lonesomes, sunrise kingdom unfolding

delicate flower, nuclei destined forever in forest

do or die sentiments. sediment ready to rise

blood pact suicide, toes in the sand in the tide

were only in focus when we start to succeed

congratulations/shaking hands to hands shaking in sleep

panic attack, borderline personality disorder

solace in silence. everyday a soldier is dying

PTSD from maturing too fast. i’ve been told to collide

with my demons. flashback, detachment paranoia. decide

what do with yourself, paranormal dishevelment

clash encounter to delusion like an asteroid belt

entering earth, atmospheric phenomena avoided like hell

poised to no end, with no end to foretell

such a pity. holy shit. shame we all have stories to tell

100 ears. nobody listens. pouring whiskey in wells

swirl it in the glass, little tornado cyclone, perhaps

we tell it with such hope, rehearsed, to speak it with ease

oh how we change for others -sleep with our demons for free

beelzebub pedigree. honeybee to a wasp

fur elise. Elysium waits with alyssum in her palm

this suggests to me, what i’ve known all along

kiss of death, pain is strength, literally everyy song

diet plan. exercise, what’s your secret to looking your best?

don’t eat for days, ha-ha. pause. i said it in jest

capricorn, libra, maelstrom pathogen, fetal position

battle ballistic, garrison mission. administer oil in my cannabis christen

cataclysmic mushroom smoke. cultured difference aside

there’s more to living, so to speak, than living to die

unambiguous chameleon, dressed in camo fatigue

in his pavilion, that the big wolf blows at til he can barely breathe

grow in a melting pot, petri dish human experiment

give him truancies, periods of time where truth is empirical

hold me a second. let’s grow apart, don’t second guess it

stare at me like a tornado looks at tulsa and edmond

then

a letter to whoever loves me next

a letter to whoever loves me next

To whoever loves me next, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if one day my words brings lightning to your lips, and the tingle of electric bursts makes your tongue turn numb. Your cheeks turn red, flushing flirtatiously. Feverish hue, and a bottomless stomach with drunk butterflies maneuvering to get out of, then out of nowhere there’s radio silence. White static for days, weeks, months, and soldiers keep saying roger, roger, roger and out but the frequency is dead. It’s dying. Im sorry if you feel the need to say you love me over and over. Because, my words aren’t reaching you and my love isn’t warming you. Your heart is in winter and the summer solstice is buried deep in my eyeballs. I keep crying because I want to get it out. I want so badly to warm you. I’m sorry, when you say it, that no reciprocation is met, no attention is given, and words lay on deaf ears. Ears, that feel the words go into them but a mouth that is getting no feedback from their vocal chords. A black hole that absorbs all sound. My only way to communicate is to kiss you as softly as I could. Cling onto my lips. I’m sorry if you don’t believe me, this is how I am and I’m trying to change. I feel your body language judging me and it’s tearing me apart. I will worry about losing you, and , i’ll scramble, through everything. I won’t be myself, because i’ve been taught through actions that whatever i do isn’t enough. And enough is in love letters and dates and remembering your mothers birthday and asking you if you’re happy, only to not be happy myself. It’s a self recurring nightmare that feeds on my anxiety. And my anxiety feeds on my heartache and my heartache feeds on my muscles that are too weak to stand up for myself. You’re too good to be true, and if history repeats itself then I think the truth will finish me. My history is a chemistry class, and my teacher tells

me not to play with fire. Understand, that my vulnerability is like trying to put a glass cover on a phone screen and the tiny dust that you can barely see are your words, and reaction to the very phone you’re trying to protect. Understand that my feelings have OCD and the dust are your words and the phone is a magnet to dirt and oil and you need to handle me until your neck hurts and your pores seep sweat. please. We’ll go deep before I admit that I’m new to this. Never done this before. That my soul weeps when you leave, and i don’t know how to sing it lullabies. I probably won’t be easy to love. Too many people never gave me examples. The examples i have are from a broken template; abandoned because of error. I’m sorry

black liquor

black liquor

wish it would stop

watch the laundry spin and then sit on a box

circular sleep. daydream while i cry

kill me at dawn, sing silent night – no. hum at my grave

dig me up. stop. then kiss my remains

skeletons out the closet. my bones here to stay

shapeshifting gravediggers. I’m barely awake

you talk me alive, i sleep when i yawn

told me to keep eyes closed three eternities long

so she goes again, another fish in the sea

tailbaiting fresh water species. as he hums für elise

my wedding vows will start off in malaise

“I’m afraid my depression will slowly degrade you”

in love and in sickness, in health, and inept

sugarcoat your love with your honey colored flesh

who am i kidding. selfish star gazer lost in himself

i probably would decline if you offered me help

i feel how an author writes in italics. how?

a quiet whisper who’s slightly sarcastic

half winter, springtime, march solstice

mars rover, enzymes. drink black liquor

this one hurt

I’m breathing fire

but I’m not a dragon

an average person. swallowed matches

ran across a sea of stars in moon boots. army canvass

the catalyst sparks. deactivate the manned fuselage

tight-lipped gargantuan who stares through the art,

for hours (or it seems)

want to be touched but wince when you do

slight grimace, sly indication, it’s a bit too obtuse

the allusion, that any minute now it might finish

what do you mean when you insinuate that nows not the time?

postponed rain checks. outside in rain boots thousand of times

acid wash downpour. denim daiquiri stain

reticle strain, bloodshot battlefield. blades

where does it start, devilish ear to ear grin

started the year with resolutions hand in heart

fear to be seen alone, energy i’ve barely consumed

jumpstart my heart battery; only bleed for you

tomfoolery. doomed to the usual norms

how do i map out directions when my satellite is depressed

crop circle on fire. what a fiery mess

tried to find myself but i was lost in what i left in you

that 1800 hotline already memorized my

number

will somebody listen

I’m a snowflake with their pillows drenched

i day dream outrunning this avalanche

give everyone the attention i seek

when it’s returned to me, he barely speak

i don’t want it. just want these hands to stop drowning me

every night before sleep, i tell them to leave

they peek over my canopy bed until three

in the morning

prairie wheatgrass – nostalgia

prairie wheatgrass – nostalgia

i was obsessed. no- a feeling remorse and nostalgia
stretches of gold over algae. prairie turf interwoven to coast
bezeled beach. denizen dosage. felt closer to home
juniper fire, i never understood why i’d cry when alone
something about …

fingertip tingle. hands nestled over a looming horizon
open field just for me, dusks pyre was just another surprise
take you to tango to feel the revolver in your dress
like a fire in duress, in denial of what’s left
crested wheatgrass. nibble on the straw and just think
how irrevocably stunning, in french, how do you say pour me a drink?

verse-moi un verre.
sunsets fill in oblivion, storm in a teacup
now pour me a lion. i want to hear a roar when the steam runs
now stare into silence. tick-tock. just give me a second
moment of quiet. russian roulette, soldiers are dying
we all saw it coming, how do they say it was an issue of days?
of course; a matter of time, discontinue answers left unobtained
delicate heartship, melancholy quenches the hollow
vanguard in the shadow, he only says hello in the shade
yearning acceptance -chicken soup in the thermos
chai seed tai chi. only read a book when it rains
what is your purpose – he who barely looks in the eye
hello, miss I’m sorry to interrupt you but i’m-
pupil dilation, iris diameter entropy wavelet
psychosomatic belly dive into the stasis
denim delight, dandelion prairie design
chewing on straw, crinkling grime grimacing smile
i return to this place and try to mimic a scene
no return on ideas, we’re stuck living a dream

my mother used to say

my mother used to say

hi. I’m okay. my name is .. (private exchange)
oceanic delight. mariana trench – lets lie on the waves
get lied to with promises as you wave your goodbyes
the we’ll soon see each others. the i cant wait to arrives
gesticulating giant, wide-eyed naivety shine
Juan Valdez roast – a vagabonds variant vibe
cash valet parking  -pristine ’85 BMW e28.
cabernet offswitch. tannins drip from my IV cause i don’t bleed dna
deviate from the norm. heliocentric. her face is a star
she makes the sun turn violet, and gives rainbows their scars
technicolor stitches, wounds become radiant art
do re mi, one way street to living, who’s to say that we are
in edens garden, dancing naked to purple rain
my dorsal fin can’t navigate the deepest waters
irregardless, blood print barely cracks the surface stain
the takeaway is mundane themes, it’s okay to want a place to scream
the days are hard fought battles, wars go on for weeks, and
hurricanes are taking shape in the subway steam
every sunday, he tithes revived percentages of hope
so a little bit inside me dies from the carcinogenic dose
AM country station blazing through the cigarette tray
grandpas epitaphs engraved in in-direct faith
12 volt Citroën culture, french press grit in my veins
vaudevillian silhouette, it’s like you barely saw her
stained-glass windowpane,
leather love-seat, Frankenmuth Bavarian auberge
accompanied by airport sound wave dispersement
dial pound eight, to reach the operator rotary nuisance
call me a mutant, because we hate feeling lonely as humans
let’s all huddle around the baggage carousel until we depart
what bothers me is the converging of a million souls living apart
common courtesy talks, airplanes are altitude civilian parks
we’ve been displaced by a culture aimed to minimize faith
and dilute consumer bases, zombified mimicking ape
my father used to say – take walks when it’s pouring down rain
why? so you can revisit the bridges burned in your wake
never had a father, it was just something I said to myself
did I divulge too much? my mother always said keep to yourself
cause’ the hearts on your sleeve are a poker players favorite tell
manifest themselves as sheep who hastily offer you wool
did the vague release of my cry remind you of wolf?
hell in a handbasket, riding hood tells us we fear who we are
too many questions, not any answers. period, pause

i know what i need 

i know what i need 

I dont know what I want

whether its surface dwelling alone at the swamp
or an oak in a marsh, soul searching proverbial want
we’re more or less spawns of monsters nobody needs
you were my star spangled banner and I was taking a knee
subterranean breeze, vitamin pond, still smell your perfume
every once in a blue, Dahlia Divin creeps in the room
black lagoon creature. months of despondent malaise
never under the same moon, but always got in your way
every constant is change, every constant in chains
the sheriff to my merits, conversation warranted pain
follow the tunnel light or continue to walk amongst shade 
politics, topic delay, boxer on the ropes 
you taught me to love; but to love to be alone
a hundred teeth, sunk in deep, til’ they’re rusting at the bone 
propaganda prone, post traumatic melodic drama 
copacetic cathartic static, momentary sedative saga 
mama said to me never mince words with misses karma 
megabit verbage. sapient alma in the trenches of mock prison
velvet and soft linen, cotton henley makeshift pajama
couldnt figure you out…
kissed crevasses in your skin you were indifferent
about 
you’re awkwardly distant to things that slipped through my mouth
look at you now.. 
Sinatra’s lovers glance, blood soaked sinful devout 
the untolds dripping, gun smoke cigarette clouds
love grows thinner when sun strokes negligent doubt 
what comes, goes. 
hum low under floor boards or they’ll figure us out
self destruct sequence, count to zero with me 
feel your feelings metamorph like metaphors in the breeze
i don’t know what i want, i just know what i need 
better go home before I’m awoke and i see you 
full of momentary passes focused entropy seams 
beams of light bustling through cracks in the stream
pockets of time form like globules; we’d skip stones in ravine
everything’s too loud even when the volumes negative three 
nothing we do can salvage this irreparable dream 
que pena me da, que lo tienes sentir 
shouted at you to leave, as i whispered the please

vanish

I’m the saddest man on the planet
dulcet zones become eruptions of death
memorizing vocal tones, or numbing distress
most ballads, hit home, requiem out of balance
such a synergistic release comes from, this basket of malice
ill have it to here – 22oz black coffee french press
sinning continuously, in her black coffee sun dress
anarchy is best dressed, brown leather lounge padded headrest
takes a village to raise a child, theres no one to raise it with us
pillaged through blades of grass, photosynthetic assortment
spilling your flask til its empty, blood served in a brass veil
vivider mass pavilion. mom kept the pictures of dad, still
photo album laminating. magnifying glass on an anthill
steel razor tandem. Dear, anybody, anywhere who has ears
in a position to translate. this ballad i have here
monochromatic morse code
willing to listen. put your phone down. stethoscope to a torso
I trot through universes i never knew that existed,
thinking of becoming perfect with you, seemed so delicious.
I press my lips against windows you’ve brandished
just to kiss what you’ve managed to touch
ive become calloused. and rough. galloping stallion tusk
and you vanish

fötter day

fötter day

you can hear the…

suburbia chime, zirconia vertebrae. pearly white spine
glass thrown in stone houses, regular suburbia night
whirring, rewind. chronicled childhood in olive drab paint
monocle glass. wormwood and bottles of shawshank.
dissolute solitude, wanderer who wallows in maze
en route. delay for tomorrow. never promised today
virgin diary. anne frank. marie curie disease
tinture of rainbow, even if the distance is blurry to me
he, who knows the way to zihuatenejo.
furlough father. demand you to die when i say so
26 pesos what’s left in your wallet
lint and mothball, merryland. experiment omelette.
laundromat arcade quarter exchange
2 o clock shadow of death and follicle strain
these boulders were supposed to be gone when i got here
you shouldered me off. sunday morning penny loafer with frost
social commentary gabriel-lucifer talk
metamucil, retrograde. jupiter star
bolivian roast, oblivion, and a toast goes to mars
you hold my hand; but i don’t even know who you are
shout at me when indoors, but whisper weak when afar
im so close to eroding, skin growth, barely a scar
in my house; the big wolf. lungs pulse til’ exhaustion
i read a suicide note from the ghost in my closet
i dont know, if he knows if this apartment is haunted
by patriarchal pettiness, reminiscent negligent heart
maleficent maligned distant/forgot insidious offspring
with ammunition in their lips, that keep you off guard
feel the metacarpal love letters til your fingers fall off
once you step out the door, you hear the wooden creak in the floor
fell asleep at the creek daydreaming before
everytime before bed i hear footsteps coming from deep
and i hide in my closet, until they delete
REM hits me while I’m counting my sheep
counting rosary beads for every step wolf takes towards me
like neighborhood freeze tag, counting to 3
dysfunctional beings, huffing in suburbia breeze
i know that i know nothing is in love when i speak
into denizens, the medicine cabinet creaks
when you close it and i haven’t heard it in weeks
form bourbon, to curtains burnt at the seams
I’m so close to being the opposite of perfect, i scream
what emerges, a bird sits perched in a tree
what alerts him is
suburbia breeze

to miss P

it was a matter of why. statuesque beauty over vodka and wine
hourglass figurine. when you come around it becomes tough to tell time
seductress stolichnaya. brunette, bridal, bohemian
it’s cruel how without even trying you leave me
in a state of dreams where I’m hardly breathing
at the Gala. a seamstress couldn’t replicate your body shape
you look awfully familiar….it’s been awhile since i’ve been in this hypnotic state.
eyes are pools of island bays, emphasized by shine of geysers
a vivifying type of way, to kiss your lips would feel like fire
to put them out, i’d have meet your jewels of diamonds
only a fool could deny, this muse that emphasizes grace
electrifying distress.Prostovian princess with a crystallizing gaze
accent so alluring, the way you pronounce your words overarched
id feel your tongue twist cherry stems in my heart